My womb held three bodies, two of which I hold in my arms daily and one I mourn, who I wasn’t even aware existed until it was too late. Many have advised that I take full advantage of being single for the first time in eleven years; enjoy, taste, feel, immerse myself in all the human flesh I can. Truth be told, my eyes lit up at the thought but my gut told me otherwise. My womb cultivated and expelled these beautiful, living, breathing, speaking, loving creatures; was I really going to contaminate that space with unqualified men for temporary bliss?
I am well into my 30s now, faced difficult truths about love on its many levels and did the soul excavation necessary to begin rebuilding the Nalini who was buried years ago. My creativity, goals and ambitions are flying high! Unafraid to speak, I wear my sass unfiltered. I read, research and follow new avenues to figure out my awakening. There is nobody to trample or overshadow my thoughts or charisma. My emotional growth has evolved to something even I cannot explain.
Months ago, a new energy entered my life. This annoyingly accurate stranger tapped into my psyche immediately and has managed to read, unload and accept my madness from a distance with photos and conversations, their spirit has transcended 400 miles and penetrated my soul. The words and stories from this foreigner have aimed the spotlight onto what I already knew was there – any fool can take pictures of their private parts, work to survive, make slick promises and steal kisses; but what I am looking for is extraordinary.
To find this extraordinary love, I needed to unpack and unlearn what I was exposed to all my life. I learned how to cry by stepping out of my body and looking into past memories and events with someone else’s eyes, to say NO, to build walls to guard my sacred softness by detoxing from the dysfunctional ideas of what love is. There wasn’t enough space in my life for what I really wanted, I found myself at a place where I constantly needed to escape. On the surface I was treading water, but beneath in the abyss there was immense heartbreak over the loss of all the elements which made me Nalini. The Nalini who paid attention to intuition, taking the empathy and education I gained from the raw and passionate stories in subtitled films and the way I translated them into my own reality, the vulnerability in playing piano where I let my sound speak for me. How did I get so far from the person I envisioned to be?
We all make decisions and follow paths that are hurtful and destructive but rest assured, they are not mistakes. Being a big believer in fate, even though I misplaced mine for an extended period of time, it was my journey and I had to endure it in order to reach my full potential. Some of the ways I learned to nurture myself was to understand the hunger, nurse the anger, release the guilt that plagued my thoughts. Looking into my own history along with those of the generations before me, there is a misguided idea that being successful meant meeting the expectations of everyone else at the expense of personal happiness. Who does this benefit? The outsiders peering in because they are unfulfilled? I got too caught up in the cosmetics of life – constantly in a state of performative action, weakening myself to uphold society’s standard, seeking protection from unworthy sources which disempowered me. The heaviness was lifted once I learned where to find that extraordinary love my annoyingly accurate stranger had pointed out – it is within me.
Equality is a massive movement right now but what does it really mean? I’m not here to shout to the world that I’m a woman, I’m here to say that I’m worthy of something beyond the splintered, short sided, immature companion. My womb, my body, my being deserves to meet with someone who can mirror my confidence and understand both the complexities and simplicities within my realm. If I don’t believe in my own high value, how can I attract someone who can appreciate and reflect my image? The balance has to shift to where I can allow a suitor to exercise their supreme masculinity without compromising my divine femininity. Practicing patience, resisting the need to overshare, allowing the mystery to unfold are some of the improvements I am working on. The reality is simple – bottom shelf attitude and mindset will attract similar transactional interactions. An uncomplicated, consistent, slow build will bring forth an unparalleled, long lasting expression of love and energy that I will wait for.